Ann Marie Here and welcome to my next vlog!
Why does self-care seem like such an impossible task for some of us? Did you ever notice a lot of “shoulds” in your life such as, I should be getting to the gym more, I should be eating more healthy food, I should be getting to bed earlier, I should be taking time to relax and regenerate,? The list could be endless.
Most of us know what we need to do in order to be healthier and more balanced but often we tend to ignore or put off these important activities. They often feel like such a chore or even a burden. Why is that? Well, there could be many reasons.
Taking good care of yourself takes effort and in different ways. It’s not only completing the activity but often there is shopping, preparation, needing a baby-sitter and so on – many other tasks in order to do your actual activity. Having many tasks in order to complete one can seem exhausting at times.
And talking about being tired, it becomes oh so difficult to put in the effort for just one activity. It feels like that self-care is momentous as if we had to scale a mountain. The irony is that when we are feeling burned out is just the time we are in need of some self-care. If we acknowledge that even the best laid plans can go out the window when we are tired, we can be more realistic, adaptable, and kind to ourselves as we find alternatives to fit with our energy level at that time.
Another reason is that sometimes we can confuse self-care with being selfish or self-indulgent. If we do feel we are being selfish or self-indulgent we can pretty much be assured that guilt will come for a visit and this can upend it all. People who have had a difficult upbringing, and have never watched their caregivers engage with self-care – which could be as simple as taking the time to relax and watch the sunset – often have no idea what self-care even means. As a consequence, they can be resistant to it and see self-care as indulgence and therefore a bad thing. The guru of self-compassion – Dr Kristin Neff tell us that seeing self-compassion which I see as the umbrella over self-care as a form of self-pity or self-indulgence runs contrary to the true meaning. What we’re really talking about is wanting health and wellness for ourselves which leads to proactive behaviour rather than passive behaviour. In other words, self-care stops to be caring at all when guilt comes for a visit. You must have a healthy relationship with yourself and with the activity that you are calling self-care.
Feelings of shame can also put a stop to self-care. Some people suffered difficult backgrounds, have never witnessed self-care, and have endured a non-stop pressure to be perfect and that means being productive 100% of the time. This is very destructive to children and can carry on into adulthood to be self-destructive. Shame can then manifest itself into a belief that you do not even deserve self-care or self-kindness to begin with – and sadly, self-loathing becomes the norm. Ironically, the antidotes to shame is self-compassion. The guru of shame – Dr Brene Brown leaves us with this powerful quote:
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.” If you need help to bring your shame into that empathic dish, seek a trained therapist.
Finally, let’s say that part of your self-care is enjoying nurturing herbal tea while simultaneously eating a treat from the local bakery once in a while. If you have a healthy body image, and maintain a healthy body weight this is not going to be a big deal and likely very pleasurable and relaxing. If however you are struggling to lose pounds, have an unhealthy body image this is going to go off the rails for you. That activity will be a threat to any gains you may have made So again, we see that your relationship with yourself and those activities truly matter.
Realize that it is quite easy to set ourselves up to fail. Let’s take me for an example. I work evenings and so dinner is late and then I have a few hours to wind down. I go to bed late, which means I get up late. So let’s say I realize I need to be doing a little better with my self-care so I decide I will be up with organic coffee every morning to watch the sunrise leisurely, and then I am going to start a new exercise program. I’ll have it all finished by about 11am and then get on with my day. I have essentially just set myself up to fail. How? Well if I think that going to bed late is going to be conducive to getting up very early and accomplishing those goals I will be sadly mistaken. I might even feel like I have failed. The fact of the matter is that what I had chosen does not fit with my lived reality. I’ve either got to start on the backend and get myself to bed early – which will take a while to ease into or I’ve got to change the nature and times of my self-care. What I have chosen is much too big of a bite that I can currently chew.
We can have the best of intentions and even planning but as you can see I’ve just mentioned a few of the barriers that stop us from engaging in self-care. It’s crucial that we are aware of these pitfalls, that we recognize the reality of the situation at hand, and that we give ourselves full permission to engage, enjoy, and regenerate from that activity.
See you next time 😊